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hi. i wanted to write here but again, i feel like i don't really know what to say, so i'll talk about the blizzard that hit.

the blizzard started on sunday while i was at work. we ended up closing early which was nice... i got to go home while the snowfall was still pretty and nice rather than the torrential pour and crazy winds we got later. on the way to my station i had a semi-snowball fight with one of my coworkers.

i woke up yesterday morning with i think around 15(?) inches of snow outside. absolutely crazy... my classes were cancelled, and i didn't go into work. i don't even understand how they were open, however i do think my management is crazy half of the time so i guess it makes sense? but to be shrugged off when expressing concerns about safety is absolutely wild to me. i didn't do much of anything today. i really just slept all day, scrolled on my phone here and there between naps. absolutely nothing productive. it's too cold to go out anyway.

today my classes weren't cancelled but i skipped anyway. oops! with my trains being so messed up, and all of the snow, i found it hard to gather the motivation to get ready and go out so i didn't. i kind of wanted to go out and play in the snow (which sounds funny), but i don't really wanna go out... when i hole up in my place, it becomes chronic.

i like being snowed in, however i was severely unprepared. i barely have food at my place since i lacked the time to prep. time slips away quicker lately, i think. i ended up finding soup in the back of my pantry so that was my blizzard day meal. it didn't really look good, or taste that good, honestly it was unappetizing. but most things lately seem unappetizing, and that feeling stretches beyond food.

trying to stay warm!!! i have exams to study for but i really just want to watch a movie. we'll see what happens

currently, i'm in a class where my TA is talking about data sets and r studio... no hate to him, but it's just droning on in my ears and i can't focus much. his voice is white noise.

i find that a lot of the time, unless my emotions are quite strong, i don't really know what to write on here. i initially started as a way to get better with words. i'm not sure if i've succeeded. i think that for a long time i've struggled to put my emotions and thoughts and ideas into words on a page because i never think it sounds good enough. i don't know who or what i'm trying to impress by making it 'sound good', maybe it's a self-satisfaction thing, but i need to get over that.

i'll talk about my week so far. it's been okay at best, i think, just very mundane. my managers scheduled me weirdly at work this week so it caused me to have to readjust a lot. also, my professors are rearranging their schedules too... it's making a lot of things complicated. my first exams are coming up next week but i think it'll be fine. i feel like the first exam's class is something i'm strong in, and the professor likes me, so i'm not too worried.

i had a few good days this week though. i've already written about the new year, that was fun.

yesterday was surprisingly good though. i ended up finally playing games with someone i met a long time ago. we'd talked about it for a long time but never actually got to do it. it was so fun though, at a point we were just talking and it was really nice. he also still had a little shooter bottle (still full) i gave him from when we met which i thought was funny, because i wasn't expecting it, it was so long ago. we talked about playing more stuff and doing more stuff in the future which i honestly would like to happen!

being at the point i am right now, it kind of catches me off guard when people seek me out to hang out, or talk to, or become friends, or whatever. i've been very solo recently, which most times i can deal with, but i like when these things happen. i know i complain, but it's not even in some sort of pitying way, it's just how i view it realistically and i take it as it is. i feel like i've been doing something wrong when it comes to people as of late. it's hard, though, because i learn things and the root of the problem is always a lack of talking. it seems like people are allergic to communication. admittedly, i'm also kind of afraid to be excited about new people (& things/events other than that, too) because i feel like every time my hopes are up there comes a crash followed by a wave of disappointment. i hate that cycle. i guess i'm just trying to avoid that. but my heart is oftentimes louder than my head, and i can't help succumb to its ways of roping me in to what i feel. so i end up becoming excited, or happy, anyway.

i always ask for things to turn around or be better when a new situation comes along, but i'm afraid to expect much. i wrote about this before too, but i truly do have to take things day by day. sitting back and seeing how things go makes me nervous but i have to condition myself to do it. i fear i'll lose emotion, though, and i think feeling strongly (or, over-feeling) is a core part of me which makes it scary. but a lot of the time, i do think the whole 'feeling too much' thing is bad for me, so maybe it's a good thing? i don't really know.

we'll see how it goes. i feel like i'm floating.

out of every day of the year, i consider vday to be my loneliest day. it’s hard to think about how lonely things feel normally but february 14th escalates that feeling like it’s clockwork.

it’s hard when no matter what i do i can’t escape that feeling. i go on social media and i’m reminded. i go outside and i’m reminded. i go to work and i’m reminded. it chews me up and spits me out and i feel the impact hard.

it’s funny that a year ago today, i took a cab to look over the bund at near midnight to think. i listened to music and took a while to sit with it all. and now, a year later, i took a cab home in brooklyn and listened to music and thought about it all. i’m still thinking about it all, hence this entry (iguess).

places change but the problems stay the same. i have this fantasy that if (&when) i run away, my problems will go away with it. nights like tonight show me that isn’t necessarily the case.

it’s easy to forget about other love i carry in my life— like for friends, and my hobbies, and whatnot. i love hard and i love all of those listed to death. but i feel like i’m still lacking.

can someone find me?

a little while ago, i wrote that 2026 is leaving a bit of a sour taste, just because it felt like i was already being forced to learn lessons through means i thought were unfair. that karma-esque, curse-ish feeling i've written about before. i think that lately, however, i've learned i need to take things one day at a time. impatience, if i should even call it that, gets the best of me. when something doesn't go right, it seems it'll stay bad forever. i've learned that's not always the case.

people are surprising, situations are surprising, and i end up in a position where i don't know where i am or what i'm doing. but i like the outcomes of this sometimes, hence the previous paragraph.

however, i reflect on choices i make and what i do, and quite honestly, i think i've realized i carry a lack of self respect i should truly have. why am i agreeing to be a second choice? why am i making choices that defy things i often think? i'm being vague, and this is only semi-applicable at best, but it's a little disappointing in hindsight. i blame it on the fact i'm young and this is the time in my life i should be having fun, exploring, and figuring things out. but when i'm involved in scenarios that involve the ideals that haunt me, it makes it a bit harder to follow that mindset. i make the choices with my full chest, but those thoughts still linger in the back of my mind.

i feel like i'm in this limbo of not being sure if what's happening is good or not. my immediate thoughts are always that it is, but when i can't shake the thoughts, i start second-guessing. i'm so used to taking what's given to me as the best i can get, but deep down i know i deserve better. i can't say much, though. i want this. but i also know i want something more. again, lack of self respect, but when it seems like its out of reach its hard for me not to settle.

don't show me i'm a second option. don't tell me about things i wouldn't want to know about.

the next few days will be... interesting, i think is how i would put it. i'm not sure what's going to happen in terms of plans, and what will happen at said plans. i'm excited, but honestly anxious. i'm doing my best to go in with no expectations.

what will i do when i see your face?

i have a hard time moving on from things. everything feels so deep and things stick with me for a long time.

i’ve left my mark on everything i’ve ever wanted by ruining it all with deep purple bruises. i grab on too hard until my hands ache and i realize i need to let go. somehow, the aches stay with me, and i don’t forget no matter how hard i want to.

thinking... thinkingggggg........ hm

every start of a semester i think about someone i met my freshman spring semester. our relationship at face-value is just a friendship, but if you peer in a bit more there's a lot of layers that blend together and make it confusing. don't tell me you love me and pretend i never heard.

sometimes i hate that i miss him a lot of the time since we haven't really spoken much. we're separated for a reason i don't want to interfere with -- it would feel morally wrong and guilt would consume me. but it's hard not to miss someone that's so easy to get along with, and hours feel like minutes when you spend time together.

the city is big, but some days it feels small, and i find myself looking for that familiar face when i walk around. i hate that it feels difficult.

lately its been easier to keep a sour face. im sorry that im selfish

hi, it's been a while. i've been distracted and busy(ish). a lot of stuff happened within the last week of the year that i'm just gonna leave in 2025.. i think it should stay there.

the new year so far has been okay, i would describe it as semi-eventful? new year's eve into day was definitely something. i had a really good time from that night into the next morning. i was really happy. since then everything feels so fast, like it's the twelfth already? really?? i've mostly just been at work, sleeping, trying to see friends, the norm i guess. i've been more sleepy lately but i'm just blaming that on a transitionary phase into the new year... excuses, i know.

i've felt pretty neutral about 2026. it feels like a bad taste on my tongue right now though since i feel like the world is already trying to teach me lessons, or giving me that bad-karma-esque and curseish feeling i've been familiar with for a long time. i like to hold on to the idea certain things won't end up making me sad or upset but i know that cycle already. it's disappointing. but i'll still hold onto that for now, i have a few days left until the result... who knows. i'd very much like this to work out how i want it to. please!

i start school again soon which i'm not excited about. i used to get pumped up for when new semesters started but it doesn't feel the same. maybe it's because my life a year ago today was better, and my previous semester was bad.

i need things to get better all around. the sun setting later and the warm weather would bring me some good.

seattles been on my mind. it seems cool, i think i’d like it. maybe im romanticizing it. lately i’ve felt like running away. don’t know if the (supposedly) gray and rainy weather is really calling or if its my stateofmind