b

i got cut at work so i’m on a train to my parents’ place right now. its the first year i have to travel on christmas eve to see them. it brings on a weird feeling.. maybe it’s that i’ve really grown up.

i hope it snows tonight. i’ve always loved a white xmas. i’m excited to celebrate tomorrow too.

merry christmas everyone. :)

i had more to say from my last entry but it didn't feel fitting to tie what i wanted to say in the same piece.

it feels a bit refreshing that my semester is pretty much over. it honestly hasn't been good. i think i had too much work and financial and academic stress. i also lost a lot of friends and connections i care about which made everything feel more isolating. living in a big city and feeling alone at the center of it all is such a strange feeling. i walk around and see people with people and i wonder where i went wrong. is it me? i'm not really sure. but the feeling does make me step back and see things from a bigger perspective, i guess. connections that are meant to happen will come around and i can't really do anything except be patient.

when i moved to shanghai, in my first few days i was alone in a new country, continent, not knowing anyone, basically as isolated as i could be. but those days were really nice. i was staying somewhere near lancun road station before i moved into my more long-term place. i didn't really get to know anyone but just walking around exploring a new area and adjusting to life there and having myself and my music was nice even if it was a bit lonely.

even though i lived there for an objectively shorter amount of time, i made really great friendships and connections with people there. but i don't really have most of them anymore, even though they initially followed me back to where i live now. it's funny how i started the year alone, then surrounded by people, and now with the year's end i'm back to being quite alone. except this time i'm halfway across the world from where i was feeling that way in the beginning.

i find myself missing my life when i was fairly disconnected from where i'd normally call home. i didn't get homesick, i more often just missed certain people, but i was able to keep in touch enough. there was something freeing about being far away.

tonight i walked around manhattan for a little while and listened to the song that kept me going in the beginning of this year when i'd just moved. it didn't feel the same.

my life is art and one day i’m gonna be happy and feel so much love
:>

maybe all we need is love

i try to put my writing brain on but i am woooorn out today...eek

i started my finals week today, it seems to be okay so far.. not my best choice to go out last night, but i persevere. how could i not? my friends hosted the event and the lineup of djs were too good to miss. honestly i didn't even get to sleep in my own bed last night since i went right to the library to study. and yes that did fail, i stayed up for an hour before i decided to sleep until 12 minutes before my final. i don't think i did awful, but i don't think i did too great either? some may blame this on me going out the night prior but i knew it wouldn't be a great outcome regardless so yolooooo.

today i had to finish a long-term-assigned project that i THOUGHT was due today originally... bless my professor for giving me an extension until today. i was so focused and so locked in, i swear i haven't done that in months... but the day is not over!!! i still have so much to do. i'm swamped in work and craving winter break more than anything. i need it more than water

unfortunately today has also reminded me of my regret of not pursuing music. taking classes in the production building kills me because i see everyone following their passion. i wanna tap in i wanna be a part of the scene. lots 2 do, i'll get there though

speaking of music. i'm bumping vocaloid right now of all things. haven't done that in so long

i'm reeeeally not wanting to finish the other work i have tonight. alas. i will drink my coffee (as if i needed more caffeine today) and push through. bye

it’s 11:43am and i’m in my friends bed trying to wake up but i don't feel good. the room smells like autumn. i had a dream i was in a hospital, but it switched to something weirder. i kept going into these haunted places or just places with a really bad vibe, like when you walk in a room and you immediately have to leave. it was almost like a fantasy video game world where when places were vacant you could choose to live there. and i had tea and ate good chocolate cake out of a box. but it ended with me walking down a street not being able to keep it together and some lady scratched up and down my arms until i was bleeding. and 2hollis was there? but that’s kind of irrelevant

i hate when dreams make me feel like shit the next day. i can blame it on the hangover but stuff i was thinking about in my dream adds this shitty emotional layer i don't want to deal with. why’d it have to be so vivid and rememberable?

i’m laying here feeling guilty and stuck on certain scenarios. i’m reminded of things i lost that i want back. i feel lonely and unwanted in many regards. i shouldn’t have such a realistic experience of choking up when i’m asleep.

i want to go home. i have so much to do for my academics, i’m honestly pretty screwed, but i feel like i can’t leave bed. maybe the bad feeling will go away later

tonight i feel sour and cold and frustrated.

i'm sure my other entries have been showing this as well, but the other night was a culmination of something i was really excited for, and it ended with me being confused and with a sore heart.

i keep telling myself over and over again it's not my fault because my mind wants to default to thinking it is when its really not -- there was accountability taken. i think in new beginnings you should be swept up in the thrill for a little bit. and when someone else is making you feel safe to do that, showing no issues, it feels more justifiable to do so.

i knew something was wrong following one night. its almost as if everything had been too good to be true, in a way. i hesitated to approach the situation because i figured maybe i had a lapse in judgement, but i was wrong. a different demeanor in the way it was showing itself speaks volumes. i'm proud of myself for standing up for myself and asking because i think communication, or confrontation(do i want to call it that?), can be scary but important. but having that conversation has made me nothing but upset and a bit of a hermit for the past few days.

human connection is beautiful. it is so special to be able to connect with someone just because you enjoy each other's personality and grow an understanding on that level. its special to be excited to talk with someone just because you want to talk with them. to form a connection based on who they are and what they're like.

but when someone becomes distant, pulls away, or whatever they do, it's disheartening. and when you ask if everything's okay and they say they're confused and guilty it spikes nerves and confusion out of you. and when you ask why, and they say they were confused over if they wanted more and that's where the guilt comes from, after it seemed so clear what they wanted for a while, all i can say is that it hurts.

if you're unsure of something, then don't make someone feel a certain way just to take it back. don't talk about things we'll do and places we'll go if you're just going to turn around and decide against everything you say. and don't be the one to initiate everything and make me feel safe being vulnerable.

i understand emotions are confusing and people need to figure things out but my heart feels messed up and my emotions feel like they've been played with. i think its because i really just don't understand. i've had my conversation and gotten my explanation but i don't get the principle of it all. i'm not angry and i don't hold any ill-intent. i think the only word to describe it is hurt. am i selfish? the words "my feelings are hurt" don't come out of adult mouths, but that's the only way i can express how i feel.

i'm not sure what was expected but a connection that i think would've grown to something so cherished got tainted. and it's not the same, it's awkward, almost to the point where i wonder what the point of a mundane conversation is because it's not backed by that feeling(what to call it..) and it just feels upsetting. maybe my heart is out of it for now.

the other day i wore warm clothes and got a peppermint bark latte from a coffee shop i love and went to the park to let my feelings out. i rambled to my best friend that lives too far away and called my mom and smoked a couple cigarettes (which oftentimes is unlike me). it was cold and the sun felt too bright and i cried and wiped my eyes until they were puffy and my under-eyes felt raw. i think i wear my heart on my sleeve too often and i feel too much. times like this i hate being that way. at the same time it also lets me experience life a lot more powerfully and intensely, which i try to be thankful for, but i feel incredibly beat down and weak. i'm tired and i want to hole up until my heart has a protective barrier surrounding it no one can break including myself (although i know that's not going to happen).

i can be upset about this situation but i don't regret it, it was nice and i'm glad i was able to connect with someone like that for a while. maybe things will fix itself and i won't feel so sore eventually. i got reminded of how wonderful it is to have people suddenly walk into your life that you weren't expecting but you become really happy about. again i think it's a beautiful thing, its part of life's beauty, so at the end of the day maybe it's not all so bad.

when i write i feel the buzz under my fingers telling me i am not saying what i really want to say and it doesn't help that the words just aren't coming to me.

the past couple days have felt weird. i'm getting nauseous easily and it seems more common to cry than not. the littlest things are getting to me, like peoples' writings, songs, interactions i'm seeing... at work last night, i heard a customer tell another customer "take care of yourself. you can't take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself." and it made a few tears spill over. i feel ridiculous that i'm being sensitive like this, but i guess when it reaches a point i don't really know what to do except embrace it. i say i'm a nervous person a lot, but in reality i forget how much it really shows until i'm put in situations where it would.

i like my job but lately its been not great, it takes so much of my time that i need towards academics and my managers won't cut my hours. i had to get sent home the other day because i'm still so sick-- i forget if i've mentioned that-- and i took too much medicine. yesterday when i walked in its like everyone could tell something was wrong. my coworker calls me "respira" because i'm too nervous/stressed. he usually gives me a hard time for being the way i am but i can tell he cares, so i'm thankful. honestly, all of my coworkers are sweethearts which makes me want to stay at my job. i just don't really have a good balance between my academics and work and social life, and i definitely have been prioritizing work over all of that, but not out of my own choice to an extent... i'm worried about what they're going to say about my availability change for next semester because my schedule and extracurriculars and applications are going to consume my life. that's a problem for later though i guess.

it seems i've been consumed with negativity and pessimism for the past few days, so i'll leave here with some positives. it'll help me feel better, maybe. i'm going to a concert i've been waiting a long time for next friday which is exciting! i still need to plan/get an outfit but i think i'll be able to come up with something cute. that weekend is full of fun stuff, actually. i'm basically going out 3 days in a row with a concert and holiday events and a dj set which is exciting. i haven't been able to do that in ages. the week after will be tough because i have my finals but i will push through, i always do.

i just found out my friend is coming to meet me at a coffee shop i'm doing work at in an hour and a half. the little things make getting through the big stuff a lot easier.

sometimes i feel like i am nothing but an option or a backup plan to others. as if my time does not matter and someone can choose me and use my time at their discretion whenever they want. but whose fault is it except mine when i keep allowing it to happen?

i need to stick up for myself, honestly. but at the end of the day i always end up trying to comfort myself with all those thoughts and i stay quiet. a friend once told me “i love how you show up for yourself”, and i understand that can be a compliment, but why is that even recognized? and if i don’t show up for myself, who will?

i hate flakiness. it feels like a punishment. i need to be louder

tonight i feel sweet and warm and patient.

things unexpected can be nice. time moves so fast, days blend, but i'm starting to feel it slow down. i want it to speed up again, but for the first time in a while taking things day by day has felt good. late november i'm waiting for you...