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shootuptill5ami had more to say from my last entry but it didn't feel fitting to tie what i wanted to say in the same piece.
it feels a bit refreshing that my semester is pretty much over. it honestly hasn't been good. i think i had too much work and financial and academic stress. i also lost a lot of friends and connections i care about which made everything feel more isolating. living in a big city and feeling alone at the center of it all is such a strange feeling. i walk around and see people with people and i wonder where i went wrong. is it me? i'm not really sure. but the feeling does make me step back and see things from a bigger perspective, i guess. connections that are meant to happen will come around and i can't really do anything except be patient.
when i moved to shanghai, in my first few days i was alone in a new country, continent, not knowing anyone, basically as isolated as i could be. but those days were really nice. i was staying somewhere near lancun road station before i moved into my more long-term place. i didn't really get to know anyone but just walking around exploring a new area and adjusting to life there and having myself and my music was nice even if it was a bit lonely.
even though i lived there for an objectively shorter amount of time, i made really great friendships and connections with people there. but i don't really have most of them anymore, even though they initially followed me back to where i live now. it's funny how i started the year alone, then surrounded by people, and now with the year's end i'm back to being quite alone. except this time i'm halfway across the world from where i was feeling that way in the beginning.
i find myself missing my life when i was fairly disconnected from where i'd normally call home. i didn't get homesick, i more often just missed certain people, but i was able to keep in touch enough. there was something freeing about being far away.
tonight i walked around manhattan for a little while and listened to the song that kept me going in the beginning of this year when i'd just moved. it didn't feel the same.
it feels a bit refreshing that my semester is pretty much over. it honestly hasn't been good. i think i had too much work and financial and academic stress. i also lost a lot of friends and connections i care about which made everything feel more isolating. living in a big city and feeling alone at the center of it all is such a strange feeling. i walk around and see people with people and i wonder where i went wrong. is it me? i'm not really sure. but the feeling does make me step back and see things from a bigger perspective, i guess. connections that are meant to happen will come around and i can't really do anything except be patient.
when i moved to shanghai, in my first few days i was alone in a new country, continent, not knowing anyone, basically as isolated as i could be. but those days were really nice. i was staying somewhere near lancun road station before i moved into my more long-term place. i didn't really get to know anyone but just walking around exploring a new area and adjusting to life there and having myself and my music was nice even if it was a bit lonely.
even though i lived there for an objectively shorter amount of time, i made really great friendships and connections with people there. but i don't really have most of them anymore, even though they initially followed me back to where i live now. it's funny how i started the year alone, then surrounded by people, and now with the year's end i'm back to being quite alone. except this time i'm halfway across the world from where i was feeling that way in the beginning.
i find myself missing my life when i was fairly disconnected from where i'd normally call home. i didn't get homesick, i more often just missed certain people, but i was able to keep in touch enough. there was something freeing about being far away.
tonight i walked around manhattan for a little while and listened to the song that kept me going in the beginning of this year when i'd just moved. it didn't feel the same.
