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been a minute. its been a definitely eventful past few days to say the least..lol

halloweekend! nyc! it was something. i honestly hadn't even tried on my costumes fully before getting ready to go out, so i'm glad they worked out ok. i'd freaked over shipping for a couple things but everything luckily made it on time.

friday i was a vampire..i loveee vampires so i had to be one(again)this year. kind of funny since i'm convinced bats lived in my walls for a period of time this year. i went to my friend's party on her roof? her friend's roof? idk. but it was packed. substance use through the roof..bad decisions honestly, but isn't that what halloweekend is for? i've been deemed a cig mom. somehow i stumbled home okay with a dead phone and toes numb from my pumps. unfortunately didn't get many pictures there, it was wayyy crowded, but i saw a lot of people i've wanted to see so im happy.

saturday! i was a black cat (^-w-^)/ so cute. i liked this costume better, i think i looked better and it fit my vibe more. plus who doesn't wanna be a catgirl when she can? i went to another friend's party at her apartment since it was a birthday/halloween party. i almost left early, however i actually chose myself for once and stayed. i had a good time, i got to spend time with people i missed and people i care about a lot. the view from the roof was beautiful. and i got photos i really need in my possession..trying not to be the friend that fiends for the digicam photos but my strength is diminishing by the hour...

now the unfortunate-- i had a terrible comedown today and had the worst hangxiety i've ever had. it was a little overwhelming since i hadn't felt anxiousness like that in a long time. i spent my break crying at the pier. i hate when other people say things that sound so strange and aren't true, and the lack of belief is just shoved in your face by them. and also things that make dynamics between people weird. or having a picture painted thats weird. i'm victim to that too often and i'm afraid of the repercussions of things i don't have in my control in this context, like other people spitting non-truths and the recipient just going along with it without wanting to talk it out or trust my word over outsiders. because i oftentimes think the person who knows best is the person themselves. especially with people i really care about. does that make sense?

overall this halloweekend was good and bad, and a lot of strange things occurred. very strange. there really is something in the air this time of year.

the other day i thrifted a leather jacket that reeks of cigarettes. i don't smoke much but the smell is comforting. reminds me of better times. late nights on rooftops. chatting under city lights. carefree and halfway across the world. seven stars never tasted so good.

memories of that period look all dreamlike and hazy and what you see in the movies. gotta get that jacket cleaned. its making me nostalgic

helloooo.

opened this up today.. i find im poor with words. i want to write more. so maybe this will help?

todays cold. weather in the city has gotten worse by the day. unfortunately its been quite gray. i like the fall? winter?(its only october) but i hate how dreary it feels. keeps me feeling like im trudging through the motions

lifes bland recently. its almost robotic-- school, work, go home and crash. i need something fulfilling but it seems out of reach.

right now im sitting in a coffee shop i dont even really like. its the only one around that had wall outlets and wasn't crowded so i swung by. they blocked out the seating in the back, its been like that for months. the draft from the door is far but im still cold

this turned into a ramble of nothing. ok!
check out pitseleh by elliott smith if you aren't familiar, its good