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shootuptill5amcurrently, i'm in a class where my TA is talking about data sets and r studio... no hate to him, but it's just droning on in my ears and i can't focus much. his voice is white noise.
i find that a lot of the time, unless my emotions are quite strong, i don't really know what to write on here. i initially started as a way to get better with words. i'm not sure if i've succeeded. i think that for a long time i've struggled to put my emotions and thoughts and ideas into words on a page because i never think it sounds good enough. i don't know who or what i'm trying to impress by making it 'sound good', maybe it's a self-satisfaction thing, but i need to get over that.
i'll talk about my week so far. it's been okay at best, i think, just very mundane. my managers scheduled me weirdly at work this week so it caused me to have to readjust a lot. also, my professors are rearranging their schedules too... it's making a lot of things complicated. my first exams are coming up next week but i think it'll be fine. i feel like the first exam's class is something i'm strong in, and the professor likes me, so i'm not too worried.
i had a few good days this week though. i've already written about the new year, that was fun.
yesterday was surprisingly good though. i ended up finally playing games with someone i met a long time ago. we'd talked about it for a long time but never actually got to do it. it was so fun though, at a point we were just talking and it was really nice. he also still had a little shooter bottle (still full) i gave him from when we met which i thought was funny, because i wasn't expecting it, it was so long ago. we talked about playing more stuff and doing more stuff in the future which i honestly would like to happen!
being at the point i am right now, it kind of catches me off guard when people seek me out to hang out, or talk to, or become friends, or whatever. i've been very solo recently, which most times i can deal with, but i like when these things happen. i know i complain, but it's not even in some sort of pitying way, it's just how i view it realistically and i take it as it is. i feel like i've been doing something wrong when it comes to people as of late. it's hard, though, because i learn things and the root of the problem is always a lack of talking. it seems like people are allergic to communication. admittedly, i'm also kind of afraid to be excited about new people (& things/events other than that, too) because i feel like every time my hopes are up there comes a crash followed by a wave of disappointment. i hate that cycle. i guess i'm just trying to avoid that. but my heart is oftentimes louder than my head, and i can't help succumb to its ways of roping me in to what i feel. so i end up becoming excited, or happy, anyway.
i always ask for things to turn around or be better when a new situation comes along, but i'm afraid to expect much. i wrote about this before too, but i truly do have to take things day by day. sitting back and seeing how things go makes me nervous but i have to condition myself to do it. i fear i'll lose emotion, though, and i think feeling strongly (or, over-feeling) is a core part of me which makes it scary. but a lot of the time, i do think the whole 'feeling too much' thing is bad for me, so maybe it's a good thing? i don't really know.
we'll see how it goes. i feel like i'm floating.
i find that a lot of the time, unless my emotions are quite strong, i don't really know what to write on here. i initially started as a way to get better with words. i'm not sure if i've succeeded. i think that for a long time i've struggled to put my emotions and thoughts and ideas into words on a page because i never think it sounds good enough. i don't know who or what i'm trying to impress by making it 'sound good', maybe it's a self-satisfaction thing, but i need to get over that.
i'll talk about my week so far. it's been okay at best, i think, just very mundane. my managers scheduled me weirdly at work this week so it caused me to have to readjust a lot. also, my professors are rearranging their schedules too... it's making a lot of things complicated. my first exams are coming up next week but i think it'll be fine. i feel like the first exam's class is something i'm strong in, and the professor likes me, so i'm not too worried.
i had a few good days this week though. i've already written about the new year, that was fun.
yesterday was surprisingly good though. i ended up finally playing games with someone i met a long time ago. we'd talked about it for a long time but never actually got to do it. it was so fun though, at a point we were just talking and it was really nice. he also still had a little shooter bottle (still full) i gave him from when we met which i thought was funny, because i wasn't expecting it, it was so long ago. we talked about playing more stuff and doing more stuff in the future which i honestly would like to happen!
being at the point i am right now, it kind of catches me off guard when people seek me out to hang out, or talk to, or become friends, or whatever. i've been very solo recently, which most times i can deal with, but i like when these things happen. i know i complain, but it's not even in some sort of pitying way, it's just how i view it realistically and i take it as it is. i feel like i've been doing something wrong when it comes to people as of late. it's hard, though, because i learn things and the root of the problem is always a lack of talking. it seems like people are allergic to communication. admittedly, i'm also kind of afraid to be excited about new people (& things/events other than that, too) because i feel like every time my hopes are up there comes a crash followed by a wave of disappointment. i hate that cycle. i guess i'm just trying to avoid that. but my heart is oftentimes louder than my head, and i can't help succumb to its ways of roping me in to what i feel. so i end up becoming excited, or happy, anyway.
i always ask for things to turn around or be better when a new situation comes along, but i'm afraid to expect much. i wrote about this before too, but i truly do have to take things day by day. sitting back and seeing how things go makes me nervous but i have to condition myself to do it. i fear i'll lose emotion, though, and i think feeling strongly (or, over-feeling) is a core part of me which makes it scary. but a lot of the time, i do think the whole 'feeling too much' thing is bad for me, so maybe it's a good thing? i don't really know.
we'll see how it goes. i feel like i'm floating.
