long-ish vent/rant/crashout, i guess
Nov. 24th, 2025 01:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shootuptill5am"i know all i know is cycles
i have all this love inside of me and everyone leaves me
i know what happens to people like me"
to preface, the situation at hand does not relate to everything i am writing here, but it caused a bit of a spiral.
i hate being treated as an option. i hate when people don't respect my time. i hate feeling like i have to beg for people to just communicate with me. i hate wearing my heart on my sleeve and ending up feeling like a joke. i hate when people pull back their energy. i hate change when it is not explained. i hate feeling like i'm not meant to receive love. i hate being left. i hate when it is near 2:00 in the morning, and i am sitting in bed too anxious and consumed by thought to be able to sleep. it's a feeling that settles itself deep into my skin that i cannot shake and it ruins me.
it'd be wrong to not recognize that, yes, it is partially my fault for feeling this way. i get excited and look forward to things and it seems like every time i get that way it always comes crashing down in front of me and all i can do is try to pick up the pieces. i also know that i could be jumping the gun, and i am maybe overthinking, but i've never known how to react to certain behaviors 'properly'. i try to be a better person and i try to get better but lately my energy has been so depleted that falling back into the comfort of what i know is what i have succumbed to tonight. and i really don't like that, but i'm in too deep right now. i say its partial because there is a part of me that doesn't understand why my mind reacts this way and i really don't want it to anymore.
i truly value communication, but i feel the need to hold back on asking questions for at least a few days. i don't want to overstep or pre-fire what's going on but i don't understand what could've changed so much in this little time to cause this difference. being told you get anxious about planning things for the future "bc what if things change" when i'm the one who doesn't want to change a thing is scary. especially when i can't tell if you do. where did the sweetness and excitement go? are we more comfortable or are you slowly pulling away?
i try to be good to people. i really do.
it's awful when the realization hits that i feel like i have no one in my life who, if i needed someone, would run to me and help me. i know i would do that for others, and i have. but being put in situations where i needed someone and i was proven correct-- no one came to me-- is a heart-wrenching feeling. it's not like i don't have people that will support me. i know i have that to an extent. but it's all so small and far-away. am i selfish to want something more? am i selfish for wanting there to be a pair of arms to hold me, and a voice that will tell me things will be alright, especially on nights like tonight?
i feel cursed. that something or someone out there in the universe wants me to suffer. i've felt like this for the majority of the past 5 years of my life. i've grown so resilient by thinking this every day and pushing through. but i'm tired. i repeat "i need someone to save me" so often it feels like im reciting a prayer. i just want to be proven wrong-- be shown that i am wanted and loved and good can happen to me. every time i ask, the world turns my question around and slams it back in my face with no remorse. i reach the point of crying and begging to be proved wrong just once, but i think we can assume how that turns out. i cling onto the idea that one day, things will be better and i will be proven wrong and i will not feel like this anymore. but sometimes that feels like my hands are cupping a pool of water that is slowly dripping through the cracks.
i can be good.
please just prove me wrong.
i have all this love inside of me and everyone leaves me
i know what happens to people like me"
to preface, the situation at hand does not relate to everything i am writing here, but it caused a bit of a spiral.
i hate being treated as an option. i hate when people don't respect my time. i hate feeling like i have to beg for people to just communicate with me. i hate wearing my heart on my sleeve and ending up feeling like a joke. i hate when people pull back their energy. i hate change when it is not explained. i hate feeling like i'm not meant to receive love. i hate being left. i hate when it is near 2:00 in the morning, and i am sitting in bed too anxious and consumed by thought to be able to sleep. it's a feeling that settles itself deep into my skin that i cannot shake and it ruins me.
it'd be wrong to not recognize that, yes, it is partially my fault for feeling this way. i get excited and look forward to things and it seems like every time i get that way it always comes crashing down in front of me and all i can do is try to pick up the pieces. i also know that i could be jumping the gun, and i am maybe overthinking, but i've never known how to react to certain behaviors 'properly'. i try to be a better person and i try to get better but lately my energy has been so depleted that falling back into the comfort of what i know is what i have succumbed to tonight. and i really don't like that, but i'm in too deep right now. i say its partial because there is a part of me that doesn't understand why my mind reacts this way and i really don't want it to anymore.
i truly value communication, but i feel the need to hold back on asking questions for at least a few days. i don't want to overstep or pre-fire what's going on but i don't understand what could've changed so much in this little time to cause this difference. being told you get anxious about planning things for the future "bc what if things change" when i'm the one who doesn't want to change a thing is scary. especially when i can't tell if you do. where did the sweetness and excitement go? are we more comfortable or are you slowly pulling away?
i try to be good to people. i really do.
it's awful when the realization hits that i feel like i have no one in my life who, if i needed someone, would run to me and help me. i know i would do that for others, and i have. but being put in situations where i needed someone and i was proven correct-- no one came to me-- is a heart-wrenching feeling. it's not like i don't have people that will support me. i know i have that to an extent. but it's all so small and far-away. am i selfish to want something more? am i selfish for wanting there to be a pair of arms to hold me, and a voice that will tell me things will be alright, especially on nights like tonight?
i feel cursed. that something or someone out there in the universe wants me to suffer. i've felt like this for the majority of the past 5 years of my life. i've grown so resilient by thinking this every day and pushing through. but i'm tired. i repeat "i need someone to save me" so often it feels like im reciting a prayer. i just want to be proven wrong-- be shown that i am wanted and loved and good can happen to me. every time i ask, the world turns my question around and slams it back in my face with no remorse. i reach the point of crying and begging to be proved wrong just once, but i think we can assume how that turns out. i cling onto the idea that one day, things will be better and i will be proven wrong and i will not feel like this anymore. but sometimes that feels like my hands are cupping a pool of water that is slowly dripping through the cracks.
i can be good.
please just prove me wrong.
no subject
Date: 2025-11-24 06:03 pm (UTC)